Monday, February 26, 2007
hahahaha
A few months back i felt quite helpless and how i felt time passed so quickly. When i was sec 3 i made a reminder to myself how quickly sec 2 had passed, and then during december i felt time had passed so quickly again. I felt like slowing it down...rewinding it even, rewinding it to secondary 1, not because there was less homework and stress then (although thats a plus), but because there was the comfort of having 3 more years to go, 3 more years of being with close friends and playing footie...
I felt helpless and a certain feeling of...angst...or something. A feeling that time passed too quickly and i couldn't no shit to stop it. But after a great deal of thought, i decided there wasn't much point brooding about it. I should just try to enjoy life as much as possible, do what i have to do, and not think too much about growing up. Make sure i keep the really good friends.
Then, i had, and still have periods of self-doubt. Times where i find myself thinking "what the fuck am i thinking of, playing for liverpool?" I look at the malays, their juggling is way better than mine, but when i play with them the gap is much closer than i thought.
Then, i'd have people around me who doubt my ability, nothing wrong with them thinking that but it always manages to pull your confidence down a little. That's why i like playing with wincoln, zhu hui, and a few others. They don't doubt my ability, they let me dribble without urging me to pass the ball off, they give me the freedom to enjoy my game. I love that.
I always try to encourage people, but i get pissed easily if i see they're not trying. There are times where i get frustrated, frustrated that my teamates are not good enough, but i know how it feels to feel inferior. It's not their fault they are not good enough, so i'd never berate them. What pisses me off is seeing people losing the ball or letting a person go past him, and not making the attempts to track back. It just exudes disrespect to your teamates, just shows that you don't give a shit about doing your part, and all you're concerned with is your own game. That's a horrible attitude and never fails to irk me.
I find it quite pathetic for someone to avoid confrontation when the situation calls for one. When you undertake a certain responsibility, a certain principle; you've got to fulfill it, got to repay the trust put into you, got to make sure you do what needs to be done.
I don't see a point in doing something that seems to be pointless, even though the school says its compulsory. Big deal, what's the principle behind having the SL project? It's to instill a realization that there are people in need of help and to trigger that source of empathy and desire to help the less abled. I know what the whole shit is all about, and i think i don't need it. I have a desire to help the less fortunate, just not now. I need to not let myself down first, before trying to help others. I don't want to do a shitty SL project just for the sake of pleasing so-and-so, and i'm sure they wouldn't want me to be doing it just for the sake of pleasing em as well. Confrontation? Big deal, as long as i'm not utterly unreasonable, i'm sure the school will be able to accept it.
It's a natural human tendency to avoid conflict, to avoid trouble. It takes a sort of moral courage to overcome this tendency, and it is one that's worth developing. How do you develop it? Picture yourself, the way you want it to be. I want to be someone who stands up to authority when necessary and take things by the scruff of the neck. I'm sure many people want to do the same, but they always crumble to this tendency.
I'm sure most people don't have the special ability to overcome this human tendency, there's a reason why i'm legod, the only one.
silverletal [Simple and Clean] 7:29 AM
